Talking through challenges big and small helps children communicate and process experiences.
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“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.” -Helen Keller
It can be difficult to get children to open up, especially when they are feeling ashamed, or when they have a shameful or embarrassing experience on their mind. We tend to think of asking more questions, especially open-ended ones, or those that don’t have a single correct answer – eg, “Why are you sad?” or “What happened today?”
When kids can’t answer, or don’t answer right away, it can lead to us feeling like we’re to blame. We can go into question mode, ask more and more questions, and not even notice if the kids are closing in. Or maybe we just try to ignore their negative mood, hoping they’ll forget about it, or he’ll die.
Use dialogue to make meaning of challenges
But there has been great research done on the ways in which crosstalk between parents (as well as caregivers) and children can support children to make meaning of their experiences. It’s not just about processing their experiences, although that’s part of them. Rather, it is just as much about building a sense of themselves as people, located in space and time, in society, and in history.
Through this kind of talk, they not only understand experiences better. They are also helped to build meaning from those experiences, and to understand what those experiences mean to them. This can be critical in helping a child not learn the often negative lessons of difficult experiences, but instead gain wisdom and coping strategies.
on me 20 years of research She has demonstrated that “past memory” conversations, as they are called, allow children to learn to step outside of themselves and see their experiences in a more empathetic and reflective light. The studies also found that children of mothers trained in emotional recall described richer and more detailed memories than those of mothers who were not trained. This type of memory seems to help children acquire language to describe their experiences.
Recently, a Study 2021 I found that even first and second graders can participate in collaborative online storytelling – and that most of their storytelling has nothing to do with the COVID-19 pandemic. Especially at a time when so many children are facing traumatic and stressful experiences, we can support them in a range of approaches to telling stories in partnership with others. This can be from parents or caregivers – but we can equally support children to do this kind of storytelling with each other. This creates a community that is more open to discussion and debate than we had previously had.
The misconception of “don’t talk about negative events”
In popular culture, we often think of not talking about children’s negative experiences. Isn’t it better to “sweep it under the rug” as the common saying goes? In fact, this silence can backfire, leaving children to deal with their negative experiences on their own. They may make a false meaning out of them, or gain a distorted understanding of what they hear.
For example, a child may think that his friend moved away because the friend did not like him. Really, this move was simply due to a parent’s job. While the wound of losing a friend is real, the logic is wrong. And this logic can stay with a child.
With all this in mind, how can we help children open up, especially when faced with challenging experiences? A recent study published in 2021 in Frontiers of Psychology, asked Chinese-American and European-American mothers to discuss an event with their 4.5-year-old children, which the children found emotionally negative. The researchers studied the mothers’ ways of speaking, and then assessed the children’s mental health at age seven.
The researchers also found, in both cultures, mothers who spoke more about negative emotions (for example, “sad” or “scared”) tended to have children who showed fewer behavioral problems and less evidence of depression and anxiety. as such Robin Fifush At Emory University and others have found that helping children name their feelings and express theories about why difficult experiences occur supports them in making meaning of difficult events.
This is true, interestingly, for “big” events such as hurricanes and pandemics, and for smaller daily stresses, such as the loss of a game. Either way, helping children delve into the complexities of events and understand their own coping strategies is key. Emotions can feel great, even if the events are not big or overwhelming. That’s why, in part, telling a child “that’s not a big deal” doesn’t help much. It sounds like a big problem — and we can process those big feelings, even if we know that the problem itself isn’t life-altering.
Even small conflicts are opportunities to discuss emotions.
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So what does helping children with challenges look like?
emotional memories It tends to include some key components:
- Talk about feelings, especially negative ones, in feeling words (“sad”, “angry”, “scared”).
- Children and adults talk about their own feelings and the emotions of others (“were you anxious” or “were you nervous?”). Think especially about detailing the children’s feelings, for example the question, “Are you more anxious or more shy?” Emphasizing what you think their emotions are, eg asking, “I was frustrated. Is that right?”
- Give explanations for the feelings: “I was angry because Dad took your toy” or “I was sad because we had to move.”
- Using specific details and rich, sensual details. (Think about describing a movie. “The dentist’s chair was cold, and I was scared.”)
- Confirmation of what happened or the children’s feeling: “I miss my grandmother.” “Yes, I know you did.”
Take home message
These strategies help children of all ages understand and grow from their experiences. Once you have talked through the difficult experience, try to ask the children: “How did you show your strengths?” or “What can you try next time?” This helps keep you focused and optimistic, even when talking about challenges, and lets kids know they can get through anything.
