No matter what storm you go through in life, never give up on your relationship. Yes, things won’t be perfect all the time, but giving up isn’t always the answer.
Linda: Morihei Ueshiba is the creator of Aikido. He was a talented martial artist and a great spiritual teacher. Mitsuji Saotomi Shihan was a student at Ushiba for fifteen years in Japan, then went on to become an accomplished professor in Aikido.
Shiban tells a profoundly didactic story about addressing Ueshiba: “Your techniques are perfect! You never make mistakes. You will never lose your position!” His wise, masterful mentor replied, “I lose my position frequently. I find it again too quickly for you to see.”
When we learn any new skill there is a process of moving forward and then sliding backwards. Develop new relationship skills in the same way. We make more skillful choices and then go back to our old patterns. This pattern appears frequently when we try to develop better conflict management skills.
We might appreciate intellectually that we both contribute to an argument when it happens, but in the emotion of the moment, it definitely seems to be the other person’s fault. And every cell in our body might want to blame them and make them wrong, wrong, wrong.
Related Topics: The reason to never give up on love
Although the impulse to blame the other person can be very strong when a couple falls into a pattern of resistance or control, it is often both partners that, in some way, have contributed to the breakup and frustration that results. Come as a result. But the truth of this understanding can be obscured by the intensity of the emotion that sweeps us away for a moment.
At the first possible moment, we can re-engage the neocortex of the brain in order to think more creatively.
We can start investigating what we might have to do with the meltdown in the first place. Then we can explore what we can do in this moment to calm ourselves and our partners down so we don’t scare them or put them on the defensive.
It’s easy to mistake and underestimate the way we treat our partner when we’re feeling strong feelings and unmet needs.
Someone might think “I’m just expressing my feelings,” while the person on the receiving end feels like they’ve been hit with a sledgehammer.
This is often the case in situations where there has been a long-standing buildup of unspoken resentment that begins to emerge when, after a long period of silence, there is finally some degree of acceptance.
It is not unusual for one person in a relationship to be more aware and sensitive to the loss of personal freedom and power, and the other to be more concerned with the health and stability of the relationship.
This polarity is present in most relationships.
However, it is the responsibility of the person with a high degree of relationship anxiety to continue to make an effort to engage the other in a dialogue in which they can at least acknowledge that “we have a problem.”
NB: The key word here is the pronoun ‘we’ rather than the accusative pronoun ‘you’, which, if used, is more likely to generate or amplify defensiveness on the part of the other person.
There is no basis for neutrality when it comes to relationships. We are, to paraphrase Bob Dylan’s saying “You’re either busy giving birth or busy dying.” Allowing unfinished business to accumulate puts relationships on a path toward destruction.