Psychological health

The Subconscious Tendency That Erodes Intimacy In Every Relationship

One of the main causes of relationship problems – perhaps the biggest – is judgment. By that I mean the rule of oneself as well as the rule of others. Self-judgment is a common form of self-abandonment. When we judge ourselves, we generally judge others, and vice versa.

The programmed part of us, the self wounded by our ego, often believes that self-judgment and the judgment of others over others motivate change. But if you actually check the judgment results, you’ll see that the opposite is true. When you judge yourself, you are likely to discover that it is actually making you feel anxious, depressed, guilty, or ashamed. Your performance will not be nearly as good when you feel happy, at peace, and have a deep sense of your self-worth.

So, what happens between you and a partner, child, friend or co-worker when you judge yourself or judge them?

When we judge others, we often show them that they are judging us, and when we judge ourselves, we feel insecure about others. The truth is that nothing good comes from the judgment of oneself or the judgment of others. It makes us feel bad and creates unloving relationships.

Even judgmental thoughts have a negative effect because they affect your frequency. It is your frequency (which I like to think of as where you interact with yourself and others) that determines whether or not you can relate to others with love. When you judge yourself or others, your frequency is low. You operate from the ego and your heart is closed; You cannot communicate with yourself or others when your heart is closed.

How do you stop letting yourself run the show?

If you want loving and connected relationships, you have to start by noticing your thoughts. You can’t stop making judgments unless you are aware that you are doing so. It is not uncommon for judgmental thoughts about yourself and others to be automatic – not even conscious.

Years ago, I realized that a lot of worry It was coming from the judgments of oneself and the judgments of others. I began to practice noticing this without judging myself. It took a while, but I finally stopped judging myself and others, and it changed my life.

When you realize your judgments, you have the option of shifting your thinking to acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. Whenever you accept yourself and others, have compassion for yourself and others, and forgive yourself and others for making mistakes and being human, your frequency is high and your heart is open. In these times, you will find it easy to connect lovingly with yourself and with others.

The actions that result from judgment and the actions that result from acceptance, compassion, and tolerance are very different. Actions come from thoughts, so judgmental thoughts lead to controlling and rejecting behavior, while acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness lead to loving behavior.

It’s not just about connecting with others. It’s really about loving and accepting yourself.

The other huge benefit of increasing your recurrence through out judgment, acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness is that you will naturally begin to experience the love and guidance that is always with you. We are always lovingly directed toward our highest good and manifesting our dreams through our spiritual guidance – but our guidance cannot reach us when our heart is closed, and judgment always closes the heart. Life changes drastically when you know that you are never alone and that you are always being guided towards peace, joy and manifesting your dreams.

I hope you see that this big change in your thinking has a huge impact on your life and in all of your relationships. I encourage you to think about starting to notice what judgment results in in your life and relationships and to begin to consciously shift to acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness.


Written by Margaret Paul, PhD
For information or to schedule a phone or Skype session: 310-459-1700 • 888-646-6372 (888-6INNERBOND) 

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